A REAL MAN HAS NEVER HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN!

Whenever a women reads my rants, she automaticly assumes I must be gay.

What women don't understand is logic sarcasm that men who know they are better than women are not gay, not in the least.



Women- "so why don't you just become gay so you don't have to deal with women?"

El- You don't think we would if we could?! Being Gay would be AWESOME! Gay guys take care of their appearance, can't get knocked up to trap people in relationship, and best of all can't get married.

However God is a Man, Because Jesus wasn't conceived by imaculate scissoring and Men have compassion for lower level beings (why do you think we pay for a woman's date).
God felt sorry for his 2nd best creation (They're high on the list because women are good for making more of the #1 thing on that list... men) so he made sure that women did not go into extinction by forcing men to be attracted to them.



Woman- "but how can you have sex with women if you hate them so much?"

El- Well let me explain 2 things: FIRST, we don't HATE women. A Chauvinist just makes clear as day observations, then compares it EQUALLY to a man.
The second thing is that a man doesn't have to respect something to have sex with it. If men did respect everything they had sex with Paris Hilton would never get laid, and men would worship their hands since more has been done by a mans hand than by any woman.

But upon second thought I remembered something, REAL MEN don't have sex WITH WOMEN!

"But wait El Pup, I love screwing women! What the fuck!"

Well imaginary man who is interupting me like a woman that I made up for the sake of this article, let me explain.

Real men don't have sex WITH WOMEN, They have sex AT WOMEN!

"But what's the difference El Pup?"

Well obviously fake man who is not figuring out things like a woman that I made up for the sake of this article, let me explain some more.

Women make up over 51% of the worlds population despite being an "oppressed minority", so whenever you go somewhere, half of the people you interact with will be women.

Now as a Man, I'm amazing at sex. In fact I'm so good at sex I don't need anyone to help me. Women are not near as good at sex. They constantly have to ask Men what they like, They cant have orgasms, But worse of all they keep buying up vibrators with the mindset of a Poor person buying a lotto ticket... Sure, it feels good and you might even get some small wins, but your never gonna hit the jackpot and it's just a distraction from not being able to get what you want.



As a man, I feel sorry for women. So if I have nothing better to do, I'll ocassionally have sex at a woman. Do I care enough to care about them during the act? God No! I'm already delaying the result that could be happening in 5 minutes out of pitty for you, as far as I'm concerned you're either cummin with me or you ain't cummin at all.

Having sex with women is a loss of man points EVERYTIME!
-Making a girl orgasm intentionally without bragging about it to her afterward: Minus 10 manpoints
-Trying to make your penis bigger for the ladies: Minus 50 manpoints
-Saying I love you after sex: Minus 25 manpoints (during or before sex doesn't matter, we all say shit we don't mean for a good laugh to tell our buddies)
-giving her head: Minus 100 Manpoints (are you getting any enjoyment out of it? if not whats the point?)
-letting her "guide" you: lose every manpoint! (women can't give dirrections for shit, women can't give themselves orgasms, and women can't be leaders... So please tell me what part of a woman telling a man what to do by giving them directions on how to give them something they can't give themselves sounds like a good idea?).

Get your girl the gift she REALY wants… DISAPPOINTMENT!

Are your stressing about what to get that girl who thinks you’re her boyfriend, but you never made it official so your not; but your getting her a Christmas gift anyways so she keeps blowing you?

Yeah me neither, but women like to think you spend all day worrying about this kinda shit so lets assume you ended up on this site in hopes to get her a great gift (it will shut her up for a few minutes so just play along).
Women hate to be happy! Women hate it almost as much as hearing the truth (MABTW).

Women ask questions there are no right answer to like “Do you think she is prettier than me?” while a Victoria’s Secret commercial is on.

This only leaves you with 3 wrong answers you can give, which will all ”Feel” (the women equivalent of listening) “Sound” to her like the following:

-“No, because I’m a liar and I don’t trust you enough to tell the truth”
-“No… She’s HOTTER than you. Saying that girl is JUST “pretty” is like saying Cancer is an incovinence. In fact I think I’m gonna start pretending you’re a more attractive person next time I fuck you.” (because she ”feels” “hears” all the things you “DON’T say”, when you answer with a simple yes)
- “Can we just skip to the part where you get mad at me for not answering this right?” (the only one she hears correctly, but still pisses her off)

However what men don’t realize when they answer these accusation traps “questions” is they are giving women EXACTLY what they want: fuel to be bitchy DISAPPOINTMENT!

Men, how many girls do you know that like to play the victim? That’s right, ALL OF THEM!




If you give women little shit to play the victim over, imagine how happy they will be when they go cry to all their whiney chick friends (or guy friends who they want attention from)but don't have any REAL problem after all.
If women didn’t love being disappointed, why do you think they would do any of the following:
-Allow themselves to stay in an abusive relationship

-Stay obsessed with a guy who told them “I like you, but I don’t wanna be with you”

-Use sex to lure a guy to do favors for them, then complain that all men do is use them for sex.
”INSERT PICTURE OF MOST RECENT EX-GIRLFRIEND HERE”

The list goes on forever, so I refuse to list it all because men not only get to the point, but cause they have one EVERYTIME before say something. However there is one thing I do need to put emphisis on… Give them LITTLE shit to be disappointed over. Something TOO BIG is just gonna get them to get a man to kick your ass.
A good way to determine if it is truly “little” is the man test... if another MAN cried to you about a similar problem would you look at him and go:
“what are you complaining about? Awwwwww, I’m sorry baby… does your quivering vagina hurt?”


How can you give girls their little bits of disappointment that she so desperately needs to fuel her pitty tank? Use these following gifts!
1. Clothes- No matter what you will fuck this up! You will either get the wrong size, something she doesn’t like, or something else stupid .

MAN-Vantage: Isn’t enough for her to stop loving your cock, but is surely enough to bring some light water works on Christmas morning.

MISS-advantage: You have to deal with her crying.

2. Dick in a Box- This has to be done right, but if executed the way A REAL MAN WOULD it will bring you both “joy”. Give her the dick in a box, after she opens it and fucks you because she’s a cock hungry whore She’s desperate to gain your approval she loves you prepare to execute her part of the gift. Explain that all you got her was the dick in a box (reason why doesn’t matter, a man can think up any excuse).

MAN-Vantage: She’ll cry for at least a day, and not talk to you for about a week, which is a definite WIN/WIN!

MISS-advantage: She’ll think you “owe” her once she remembers she doesn’t wanna die alone and starts harassing talking to you again.


3. A videogame (AKA a gift you’ll like that you know she won’t)- while the last item is not exclusive to the videogames, it’s the best for this example. Say that you really want to do the same things with her that you are in to. After that buy something you want like a videogame that is a first person shooter. When you give it to her explain “This is so you can get better at these kinda games so we can play together”

MAN-Vantage: she won’t do that obnouxious crying thing and will pretend that it’s the sweetest thing ever, but get frustrated within the 1st 20 minutes of failing trying to learn. Eventually she will hate the game, give it to you, and get to bitch to her friend how it was a shitty gift.

MISS-advantage: It won’t give her the FULL MISS-satisfaction she truly craves because it was a “sweet” idea.


Men, notice that this is all little shit that if a man complained about you would immediately slap him and call him a bitch. THAT is how you will know you are giving her the disappointment that truly makes her woman soul or lack there of happy… Because if you aren’t making them happy, lord knows they will blame you for them not being able to create happiness for themselves.

Better dealing with women

Hello, my name is El Pup. As a chauvinist I am constantly faced with the burden of dealing with women every time I go in to a public area. The reason for this is unfortunately women make up over half of the population.

No worries, as a man I have learned how to best adapt to ALL women that I am forced to encounter.

Today’s topic is women.


WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, put away those penis cutters all you ladies who are on this site (despite strong warning given FOR YOUR OWN GOOD). This is not the “blah blah blah inferior gender” speech I spewed out after reading the glorious masterpiece “MEN>WOMEN”.

Rather it is a list of facts and proper reactions to help MEN better tolerate... I mean “understand” women.

To all women who are about to read this; this is FOR men, but I will allow women to read it. It’s the least I could do for all the times I drank a Smirnoff ice knowing full well it was made for women.

However, if this hurts your feelings and you NOW think we’re a bunch of “pigs” and that we "don’t care",
I would like to take this moment to beg you to PLEASE not swear off MEN like you swore off drinking ever again, chocolate, Ice cream, fried food, Carbs, crying over boyfriends, buying shoes that are half a size too small, being “catty” towards other women, etc…

Rather, try to understand we just have a different type of brain from you.


HEY, at least we’re pretending to care! That should show you we at least “care” about not hurting your feelings, and isn’t that what really matters?

LESSON 1
Facts about women and HOW TO BETTER “UNDERSTAND” THEM:

-women don't like anal sex... They FUCKING LOVE IT!
-women will do anything for chocolate
-chocolate makes women fat (and women don’t like being fat)
-If you see a woman anywhere near chocolate, roll up a paper, smack her on the nose and say "NO, BAD WOMAN" (she’ll thank you for it)
-if she asks if something makes her look fat, walk out of the room. When you come back and she asks why you did that, walk out again. Repeat until she thinks it’s cute and forgets what she was talking about.
-When a woman asks “how big is your dick?” remind her that there’s a 70% chance she’s never had and never will have an orgasm anyways so it shouldn’t REALY matter.
-If she starts faking having an "orgasm" during sex, put your finger on her mouth and say "SHHHH. Can you please be quiet? I’m trying to concintrate!"
-When a women asks if you respect her say "more than I respect my own mother”… she doesn’t have to know “how much” you respect your mother, she just needs to know you respect her more than another woman that cares about you.
-you don't have to "listen" to women because they will accuse you of not listening regardless
-Allowing your woman to go on the internet unsupervised will fill your place with useless crap from ebay, empty chip bags, chocolate wrappers, and dirty dishes. Before she starts thinking your credit/debit card is a magical Ebay wish-list granter, or posts ALL HER PERSONAL INFO ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK be sure to redirect her to more productive activities.


LESSON 2
So what is the best type of woman to date?
Self Conscious women are the best women to date! Despite asking too many questions they usually watch what they eat, always try to look pretty, always keep trying to make their man happy (even if its just because they are desperate for approval) and assume everything is their fault which will Prevent 99.9% of fighting.



But my woman is not self conscious, how can I get her to be?
When a woman accuses you of “not listening”(and she will) tell her she has a defect, like she mumbles and slurs her words a lot so you have a hard time understanding her, then explain that you (and by extension everyone she knows) didn't want to point it out because you thought it would embarrass her. With luck, she'll become a self conscious woman and EVERYONE WINS!

LESSON 3:
DO NOT CONFUSE SELF CONSCIOUS WOMAN WITH THE "PITY WOMAN"

The "Pity woman" will think she is a self conscious woman, but really she is just aware of all of her flaws and ashamed of them (like she should be!). They build pity for themselves because they some how think being self aware makes up for a lack or effort to correct her behavior.
Ironically women can’t tell the difference between "Pity woman" & A Self Conscious woman because they are too busy insulting other women or too busy convincing themselves they’re SOOO not like the women they’re insulting.

well men, here's a few ways to tell:

-Is fat, and still insists on eating. (And don’t let her sucker you with that ‘she needs it to survive’ bullshit. She’s been doing FAR better than just “surviving” for a LONG TIME.)
-Thinks she’s asking a question but is really trying to “tell you” something… by not telling you. (If this happens, this should be a somber reminder that you should feel sorry for those who don’t understand how to properly communicate.)
-She starts arguments because she didn’t assume she was at fault first. She may initially try and get you to “half agree” it was your fault too, but that’s just her way of starting a fight because she lacks the ability to communicate and thinks arguing solves things, Especially if she gets to do some yelling (unless your yelling as well, then convinces herself its going nowhere until she can start yelling again).

LESSON 4
What is the type of Woman I should never be around?
paris hilton


Can you specify more?
No, a MAN already knows exactly what I’m talking about.

FINAL LESSON!
If the woman is related to you, remember 2 things
1. She can't talk with a mouth full of chocolate
2. You’re not gonna hit that! Why should you care how fat she gets!? (Rule 2 not applicable in West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Indiana, Eastern parts of Texas and Southern Portions of Virginia)