El Chauvinisto: Women Can't Shit for Shit
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Sunday, May 4, 2008

Women Can't Shit for Shit

Today an eternal question raised by millions of men, by way of female idiocy, will be answered.

Why do women go to the bathroom in groups?

There are many schools of thought when it comes to this ridiculous topic.

1. To put on makeup.
2. To blab to their whore friends about their problems.
3. To snort coke. *This is actually very likely as you will see*
4. To swap out blood plugs.
5. To take a shit. *Correct Answer*

The first reason, to put on makeup, makes sense but is completely wrong. As we all know, women are insecure as fuck and need to paint their faces on in order to feel good about themselves. The second thing about this, that all men know, is that women will not, under any circumstances, leave the house without makeup on. With that said, there is no reason for women to get up from the table after being in this hypothetical restaurant for five minutes, to "touch up" their makeup. It hasn't been on their faces for more than an hour for shit sake. There is no way that shit is smudged up already. When I slam my cock down your throat, it will be but that's several hours away. Another reason we men know the makeup excuse is bullshit is because we've all seen our women take out their powder and apply it all over themselves at the fucking dinner table. What fucking manners. Way to get that chemical shit all over my food.

The second logical reason for female self-herding is to blab to their whore friends about their problems. Although this makes sense, it's also wrong. Since when do women have to go behind closed doors to talk shit about you or anyone else? If you answered "never" you're right because women have no problem being catty and wrong in public.

The third, and one of the most likely reasons, is to snort coke. When it comes to women and weight loss, nothing will stand in their way. That includes legality and class. Once women found out that a little snooter here and there could help them lose a couple pounds, they hit the ground running...all the way to the crack whore employer office. Men use coke to have fun and rail ridiculously impossible sluts at the bar. Women use coke to shed a few and to look trashy in the process. Call Oprah because I smell a bestseller. Whitey: A Working Woman's Guide to Weight Loss.

The fourth reason most men will not touch with a ten foot bloody cotton ball. Why? Because it's disgusting and because it also means that she's probably not screwing tonight. And that's where I'll leave this. Just trust me though, this is NOT the reason for female self-herding.

The fifth and final reason is the god's honest truth. This truth can be summed up in five kick ass words: women can't shit for shit. Women need to shit in groups because they're too embarrassed to actually let anyone know about their bowel movements and need "excuse backups" when they come back to the table. God forbid some stranger hears you drop one. Whenever you ask what they did, they always say, "girl stuff." That's codeword for, "I just dropped a huge deuce and am too embarrassed to take shits without my support system." What's so hard about doing your "business" all by your 'I'm a big girl now' self? Seriously. Nobody cares that you're taking a shit in a four star restaurant. You don't need your girlfriends to make "fake noise" at the point of anal explosion. It's not that big of a deal. It's completely natural. I've sometimes been known to hold back the flood gates until someone actually walks INTO the shitter. It's entertaining as fuck.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I want to know when my girlfriend takes huge shits in public toilets, I just wanted my fellow man to know the truth about voluntary female herding. Seriously.

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  1. You think they will ever learn to multitask and drop logs while taking coke bumps?

  2. Women and multitasking go together like women and responsibility. So...uh...no.

  3. I should have known better...Thats almost like asking if they can talk on the phone and drive.

    Wait not a good a example...I mean talk on the phone and....nevermind

  4. Entertaining, educational, insightful and thought provoking post here, El C.

  5. They do have a problem with admitting they are human sometimes don't they?

    Yes, their shit does stink, I've smelt it mate!

  6. Ok I'm a girl, I would neeeeeeever shit if I knew my friends would hear it. Secondly, I would never shit in public.If I go the toilet with friends we usually are peeing and talking. This might be true of women where you come from but thats a huuuuge generalisation. I do not and would never snort coke and I dont wear make up ever. And I don't understand when men are so freaked out about periods - its not that bad u fags!

  7. You've never earned a set of red wings have you? Stupid bitch.