Better dealing with women

Hello, my name is El Pup. As a chauvinist I am constantly faced with the burden of dealing with women every time I go in to a public area. The reason for this is unfortunately women make up over half of the population.

No worries, as a man I have learned how to best adapt to ALL women that I am forced to encounter.

Today’s topic is women.


WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, put away those penis cutters all you ladies who are on this site (despite strong warning given FOR YOUR OWN GOOD). This is not the “blah blah blah inferior gender” speech I spewed out after reading the glorious masterpiece “MEN>WOMEN”.

Rather it is a list of facts and proper reactions to help MEN better tolerate... I mean “understand” women.

To all women who are about to read this; this is FOR men, but I will allow women to read it. It’s the least I could do for all the times I drank a Smirnoff ice knowing full well it was made for women.

However, if this hurts your feelings and you NOW think we’re a bunch of “pigs” and that we "don’t care",
I would like to take this moment to beg you to PLEASE not swear off MEN like you swore off drinking ever again, chocolate, Ice cream, fried food, Carbs, crying over boyfriends, buying shoes that are half a size too small, being “catty” towards other women, etc…

Rather, try to understand we just have a different type of brain from you.


HEY, at least we’re pretending to care! That should show you we at least “care” about not hurting your feelings, and isn’t that what really matters?

LESSON 1
Facts about women and HOW TO BETTER “UNDERSTAND” THEM:

-women don't like anal sex... They FUCKING LOVE IT!
-women will do anything for chocolate
-chocolate makes women fat (and women don’t like being fat)
-If you see a woman anywhere near chocolate, roll up a paper, smack her on the nose and say "NO, BAD WOMAN" (she’ll thank you for it)
-if she asks if something makes her look fat, walk out of the room. When you come back and she asks why you did that, walk out again. Repeat until she thinks it’s cute and forgets what she was talking about.
-When a woman asks “how big is your dick?” remind her that there’s a 70% chance she’s never had and never will have an orgasm anyways so it shouldn’t REALY matter.
-If she starts faking having an "orgasm" during sex, put your finger on her mouth and say "SHHHH. Can you please be quiet? I’m trying to concintrate!"
-When a women asks if you respect her say "more than I respect my own mother”… she doesn’t have to know “how much” you respect your mother, she just needs to know you respect her more than another woman that cares about you.
-you don't have to "listen" to women because they will accuse you of not listening regardless
-Allowing your woman to go on the internet unsupervised will fill your place with useless crap from ebay, empty chip bags, chocolate wrappers, and dirty dishes. Before she starts thinking your credit/debit card is a magical Ebay wish-list granter, or posts ALL HER PERSONAL INFO ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK be sure to redirect her to more productive activities.


LESSON 2
So what is the best type of woman to date?
Self Conscious women are the best women to date! Despite asking too many questions they usually watch what they eat, always try to look pretty, always keep trying to make their man happy (even if its just because they are desperate for approval) and assume everything is their fault which will Prevent 99.9% of fighting.



But my woman is not self conscious, how can I get her to be?
When a woman accuses you of “not listening”(and she will) tell her she has a defect, like she mumbles and slurs her words a lot so you have a hard time understanding her, then explain that you (and by extension everyone she knows) didn't want to point it out because you thought it would embarrass her. With luck, she'll become a self conscious woman and EVERYONE WINS!

LESSON 3:
DO NOT CONFUSE SELF CONSCIOUS WOMAN WITH THE "PITY WOMAN"

The "Pity woman" will think she is a self conscious woman, but really she is just aware of all of her flaws and ashamed of them (like she should be!). They build pity for themselves because they some how think being self aware makes up for a lack or effort to correct her behavior.
Ironically women can’t tell the difference between "Pity woman" & A Self Conscious woman because they are too busy insulting other women or too busy convincing themselves they’re SOOO not like the women they’re insulting.

well men, here's a few ways to tell:

-Is fat, and still insists on eating. (And don’t let her sucker you with that ‘she needs it to survive’ bullshit. She’s been doing FAR better than just “surviving” for a LONG TIME.)
-Thinks she’s asking a question but is really trying to “tell you” something… by not telling you. (If this happens, this should be a somber reminder that you should feel sorry for those who don’t understand how to properly communicate.)
-She starts arguments because she didn’t assume she was at fault first. She may initially try and get you to “half agree” it was your fault too, but that’s just her way of starting a fight because she lacks the ability to communicate and thinks arguing solves things, Especially if she gets to do some yelling (unless your yelling as well, then convinces herself its going nowhere until she can start yelling again).

LESSON 4
What is the type of Woman I should never be around?
paris hilton


Can you specify more?
No, a MAN already knows exactly what I’m talking about.

FINAL LESSON!
If the woman is related to you, remember 2 things
1. She can't talk with a mouth full of chocolate
2. You’re not gonna hit that! Why should you care how fat she gets!? (Rule 2 not applicable in West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Indiana, Eastern parts of Texas and Southern Portions of Virginia)